The Hand of Mike

I like to eat, drink and be Mary ever-other Thursday night at the Coconut Grove. My hobbies include lewdness, rudeness, prudeness and dudeness, not necessarily in that order or in any specific quantity.

Sex is my type. My blood type is usually >0.08%, but sometimes I relapse and need a booster.

I use words and duct tape in equal measure, sometimes to great comedic effect. Sometimes not. Who am I to judge?

If you see me on the street, please don't run away screaming. My self-worth is low and my ego is fragile.

My trigger words are yodel, Bucharest, flamboyant, carcinogen, lop, Duchy and Kalamata. Do not expect a civil response if you deliberately use these words to violate my safe space.

My safe words are unpronounceable dipthongs in semi-dissociated tongues abandoned when the Holy Roman Empire crashed through the local gas station one evening on their way to a bingo parlor. I don't take it personally.

I sail like a swearer, and I'm smart like truck, strong like tractor.